Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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