i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
