Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
