At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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