Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize