i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize