I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
