U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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