this beer tastes like vomit already
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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