Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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