very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
