i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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