Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
