I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
