i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
