I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize