I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
