I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
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