are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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