Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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