I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
