WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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