I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
