He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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