Apparently you make a good broom.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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