I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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