I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
