i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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