he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
