Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
