i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
