life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I think I won the penis lottery.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
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