the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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