At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
