Your face is a jimmy john
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
