When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
