i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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