Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
