i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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