I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
