Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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