I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
