I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
