apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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