You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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