i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
