I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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