No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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