Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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