Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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