My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
