so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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