That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
