apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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