he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
