people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
