Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize