Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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