How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
