I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
