ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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