why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Randomize
