she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
