I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
