dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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