When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
